HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
