I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
