My sheets look like a crime scene.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
