i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
