I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
