I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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