Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
