I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
