there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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