Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
