I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
