I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
