i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
