and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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