you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
