i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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