I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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