T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
