Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
