True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
