I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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