haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
