the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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