ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
