Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
