what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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