My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
