I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
