I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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