So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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