I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize