That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
