What did we do last night that was yellow?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
