when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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