Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
