Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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