He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
