That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
