Will you blow on my dice?
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She said her name was "party"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
