the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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