he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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