I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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