yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
from now on my penis is your penis
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
