I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
