This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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