I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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