Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
