Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
