was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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