Kareoke will never be a sober sport
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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