Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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