This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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