I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
