I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize