Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
