my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize