Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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