May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
